So I've been a bit MIA lately. I have to admit I've been in a sort of fog. Not a "feel sorry for myself" sort of fog but a "being too busy to do the things that truly matter" type of fog. Time to ask myself, “what am I doing and how can I change it?"
So let's see what's going on currently in my life. I went back to work and although it's only PRN and I have complete flexibility of my schedule (which I love), I do work nightshift and those are twelve hour shifts. It's going very well and I'm still adjusting to this change in my life, but I know God has me there for a reason.
Lately, I've not been as enthusiastic about writing as much as I used to. I love to share my thoughts and experiences but finding the time to sit and write them out regularly has been much harder over the past couple of months. Usually topics and interests come to me and I feel excited and led to write but I think I've been pilling my life up with a lot of unnecessary tasks that has kept me in a constant overwhelmed state.
At a recent date night with my husband I told him that I'm feeling depleted, and frankly under appreciated. Between trying to keep the house decent, cooking, grocery shopping, doing the girls hair, serving others, being a wife, a mom, dealing with constant meltdowns and the "i need this and that" my almost 2 and 4 year old demands on a daily basis I'm feeling like "what about me!?!?" Don't get me wrong my husband contributes around the home and definitely tries to show appreciation for what I do but sometimes after a long stressful day when neither of the girls are listening it just doesn't feel like enough.
I am grateful for a husband who goes to work each day to provide for our family and still comes home to help w/ bedtime, bath, and will even help me detangle and wash the girls hair etc, but its something in us mothers that keeps us doing and doing some more that before we know it we've forgotten completely about ourselves. I have to stop feeling guilty when I just need a little "me time," something my husband constantly tells me to do. Some reason my need to do for everyone else takes over and I just can't get it through my stubborn head to rest and relax some.
So back to my date night...which by the way wasn't this deep the entire time. 😂We had some fun first but we also find its important to keep it real about what's going on in our lives and the areas we need to change. So my husband asks me WHY I feel the need to do everything and I randomly said if I don't then the whole house and responsibilities would come tumbling down. Then a thought came to me (perhaps it was the Holy Spirit) saying "but really will it or is this all in my mind?" Am I the one putting all these expectations on myself? What if over the next week I attempted to not get so worked up trying to "organize, clean and do" everything? Sure dinner needs to be cooked and the girls taken care of, and I have to go to work a couple days but what if most of the other things I did each day that stresses me out I just didn't do? My husband was on board but could I really do this?
As I looked over my every growing to do list that consumes my life I had to ask myself...is it really that pressing right now to organize the pantry??? Will my whole world come tumbling down if I don't start working on my Christmas photo books of the family... Yes I'm embarrassed to say that's on my list and its only Aug!! Hey I like to be proactive. 😉
Last, but not least, I've noticed that my sleep and attitude has taken a hit because of the not so healthy things I've been consuming myself with. There is nothing wrong with an episode of 20/20 but when I binge watch like ten or so episodes over the past week and every show is riddled w/ drug addictions, race conflicts, poverty, and who murdered who it becomes unbearable. When I wake up from a bad dream worried about who is attempting to kidnap my child I probably need to take a break.
We live in a fallen sinful world and the stories of hate and crime are a dime a dozen but there is good in the world too. I need to spend more time filling my mind with positive thoughts to combat the negative. I pretty much keep my social media time spent to a bare minimum lately so that's not been a problem. My challenge to myself for the next week- Sun to Sun is to consume my mind with only positive thoughts, books, blog posts, people, and God's word and avoid as best as I can (I do work in psych hospital so it will be very intentional efforts!!!) all the rest.
This week I will focus my attention on spending QUALITY time with my family, my God, and myself, the dishes and all else will just have to wait. I will just have to trust God that my world will not come crashing down! 😊