I feel like I am always waiting for or on something. Can you relate? Maybe you are waiting for the right job, waiting to to go on the next mission journey, waiting to get married, waiting to get pregnant, waiting to deliver, waiting to buy a home, waiting to go on vacation, and the list goes on. I'll be the first to say that I'm not the best with being patient. I seriously found out each pregnancy what I was having at 15 weeks because I was anxious and couldn't wait until 20weeks to find out. My running joke with my husband Wesley is that I asked God for patience so He gave me him. Let me explain 1. If you know my husband, you know he is one who takes his time with everything and 2. he is a very patient person in general. So on one hand he can drive me crazy w/ his timeliness but on the other hand he is so calm and can patiently deal with life and with me and my rush to do everything, which I'm sure can drive him crazy as well. Thank God we balance each other out.
As I wrote out some of my prayers for this year, I realized just how much I am in a season of waiting and how much I am needing God's guidance and direction. Although I'm in a place where I am longing for change and answers, Im also super excited about what this year has in store for us. There is something exciting about not having all the answers, but knowing the One who does and knowing that He cares about the desires of our hearts. There is also something very emotional about not having the answers and attempting to walk by faith. Its hard! Especially for my personality. I am a doer and a planner. I love definitive and clear answers that make sense to me, however I serve a God who can create something from nothing, whose words hold such power that he can speak something into existence. He is a God who knows all and is all and I will never fully understand Him in all His glory. He knows my whole life story from begining to end, when I barely know just what tomorrow holds.
So as I continue on this journey of learning how to walk more by faith and not by sight, I will try to enjoy the process and learn as much as I can along the way. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing without my assistance. I also want to spend more time being grateful for what God has already done in my life, which is a ton.
The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith." "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed," the Lord said, "you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you. Luke 17:5-6
Sometimes I wonder if my real problem isn't patience as much as it is my level of faith... Increase MY faith Lord.
I'll just say Yes by Brian Courtney Wilson
I'll just say yes
You lead the way
I'm not afraid of what it means for me to say
That this life you gave
Is not my own
I'm trusting you to hear my yes and lead me on
Yes, Lord, Yes Lord, My life is yours
This song is so beautiful and heartfelt. I can put this song on repeat and listen to it all day. Listening to it makes me feel hopeful. I only wrote out a part of the song above, however when I really break down what is being said in the entire song I realize it is such an important yet hard declaration. Saying yes to God is sometimes a very difficult task. As I think of the words, I have to be honest w/ myself -Do I really say yes and let God lead the way in my life? Am I afraid of what he may ask of me? Do I really understand that my life is not my own? Am I really trusting God? I would love to say that my answer to all these questions is yes, but sometimes its not. Sometimes its no, sometimes its maybe, sometimes its yes but I fail and it ends up being a no.
I can look at many times in my life when God has told me to wait and I went ahead anyways. When God has told me to shut my mouth, but I felt the need to say something that wasn't fully thought out or tactful. When I should have taken the time to be selfless and help someone but I had something more important to do. I also said yes to fasting for a major need but shortly after was too weak to even finish. If you are anything like me, you can come up with many many more examples of saying no to the things of God. God has watched me fall flat on my face so many times its actually quite embarrassing. I can admit I am super flawed but I am extremely grateful that God still uses me in his kingdom- my flaws and all.
I can also look at times in my life when I've said Yes to God's will and what that has meant for me. When I said yes to coming to Tennessee from Germany. I came to a state I had never been before, nor knew anyone at, just to go to college alone from all family. God knew I would meet my future husband here and have life changing experiences being at a Historically Black University. I said yes to coming home from work and being with my girls. Wesley and I were not in the most comfortable financial place when I left my job, but we knew wholeheartedly it was what I was destined to do and God has continued to bless and show us favor. It has now been three years of walking away from a supervisor position, that I enjoyed and worked really hard to attain, to be with my amazing AND exhausting little girls. :-) I said yes to starting this blog and committing to posting weekly. I knew God was challenging me to figure out a way to use gifts and experiences in my life to help others. I'm actually crazy nervous each time I press that post button, thinking if by getting over my fears I can just touch one person it would all be worth it.
Saying Yes to God is sometimes easy, sometimes hard, but ALWAYS necessary because he has our best interests at heart.
We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28