I can’t remember what grade I was in when I learned what the word oxymoron meant. It was such an interesting concept that just sort of stuck with me, but now describes my random thought processes on so many levels.
I would describe myself as a transparent-complete open book type of person so I’ll just say it-sometimes I’m just a hot mess. My emotions, thoughts, and feelings are all over the place and Wes (my husband of almost thirteen years) has to talk me off the “ledge” and give me some perspective to ALL my crazy. God bless that man!
My melancholy ways and my constant over thinking can get the best of me. So here are some of my conflicting viewpoints that I struggle with:
I’m happy-sad. I have a wonderful husband who is not only awesome and loved by all but also super calming and consistent, which balances me out nicely! I have the cutest and sweetest little girls ever and some of the most loving and supporting friends but there are so many things in this world that makes me sad. Injustice, crime, hatred, poverty, racism, internet trolls, crazy politics- and the list goes on. If I could just stay in my own bubble and not deal with the negative going on in the world around me maybe I could just be happy-happy all the time.
I’m blessed-stressed. Remember when I said above I’m married and I have small children (who btw are aged four and two)...need I really say more?? Whoever thinks marriage is going to be some walk in the park fairytale happily ever after- good luck to you! Oh and those adorable little girls that melt my heart into pieces can turn into whiny, demanding, self-serving monsters in a blink of an eye-(cues video of multiple meltdowns Saturday). God gave me Wes and blessed me to be a mom, something that I longed to be, but seriously this wife and mama is EXHAUSTED and sometimes drowning in all those blessings, feeling incredibly stressed.
I’m skinny-fat. Ok-next cue the eye rolls here for anyone who has seen me. I know I would probably not be considered fat to anyone but let me explain. After two kids I’m loving the extra pounds everywhere else but NOT in my midsection lol As small as I may look- I just don’t feel healthy. Skinny doesn’t mean healthy people! Im a slacker and a snacker and thanks to both my pregnancies, I now have a sweet tooth something I NEVER had before. It also doesn’t help that I don’t enjoy working out.
What’s the protocol? Can I still claim extra “baby weight” four years later? I did JUST have a baby- 2years ago though. ;) I know how I want to look and feel and I’m not there yet! However if I’m honest with myself I haven’t exactly done what’s necessary to fix it. Not to mention, the three bags of dark chocolate almond bark I just bought (it was on sale- I had to!!) although yummy-will not help!
I’m successful-unsuccessful. If anyone knows my life story- I give God the honor and glory from what he has taken me from growing up to where I am today. I honestly should not be this sane (on my good days ;) happy, loving person if I looked like my past! The fact that I am happily married (most of the time-let’s be real...) to the same person and a great mom is a testament to God’s power and grace.
I am a success story hands down and a person who has changed a future generation in my family for the better for years to come, so why do I sometimes feel so unsuccessful?? Maybe a little social media, maybe the comparison game, but mostly it’s because I know that although I’ve come so far, God is not done with me. I’m still sitting on some things God has told me to do that I just can’t fit into my crazy life right now. I’m terrified because it’s going to stretch me and I feel like if I’m stretched anymore than I am right now I’m going to break.
A few others... I’m the goal setting-stagnant person. I’ve got a lot of exciting goals that I take off in twelve different directions but too overwhelmed to finish and stick with most of them! I’m the outgoing- introvert. I love people and can chat it up with the best of them but sometimes I just don’t want to bothered by people. The graceful-grudge. I can forgive easily but some people and/or situations I’m just tired of being tired of and have moved on. The overly involved-uninvolved person. Saying yes to committees but wait what day is that meeting on?!?! I want to help everyone but the way my life is set up screams “No” louder than my lips do! I could probably think of many more- Like I said I am a hot mess at times!! Working on it...
I know how to fix most of my issues, however it falls on whether or not I choose to die to self (a phrase brought up in an recent “super warm” conversation with the hubs. ;). Yikes! Die to self and live the “what would Jesus do” lifestyle? That’s too hard- it’s much easier to wallow in my fleshly ways!! I’m a working progress so I’m striving to be more like Jesus and I typically head in the right direction when I’m in my word consistently and looking directly to HIM for direction/purpose..
There is a song that I love by Jonathan McReynolds called “Pressure”. Check it out hereyoutu.be/Rkt90aSlZVo. This song means so much to me because I seriously need God to release me from the pressure to be, look like, act like, something he has not created in me. God made us all for a purpose! I, with all my flaws and issues, was enough for God to send his Son to die for and so are you!
Also no matter how discouraging it may feel for me to be in my typical “Mom attire” (stretch pants, chucks, t-shirt, and no makeup) and then catch a glimpse of the fabulous Beyoncé or rather ANYONE slaying and feel like a complete slob-to know it’s going to be ok!! This too shall pass...although I just may need a life coach after this super long post ;) Just do you!